Posted: March 8, 2012 | Author: duckdownthealleyway | Filed under: entertainment, films, top fives | Tags: films, Oscars, Academy Awards | So now that the Oscars are done for another year I started thinking about how Gary Oldman has never won, or until this year even been nominated, for an Academy Award. Oldman is pretty much the most awesome actor of all time, so for it to take more than 25 years (his debut, the underrated Sid and Nancy was in 1985) for the Academy to recognise him rams home just how irrelevant and shit the Oscars are. I mean, what the hell? The English Patient can take home Best Fucking Film but it takes a quarter of a century for Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg to get a nod? You're having a laugh, you old white male fat-cat Republican Academy Sith Lords.
Pictured: the voting system
That in itself got me thinking about other times when Oscar has got it wrong, and there have been a few my son. Yes, it's all a matter of opinion, but when classics like Fight Club and The Shawshank Redemption get passed over and tripe like Crash takes home best gong we can all firmly say: what in the actual fuck. (By Crash I am of course referring to the 2004 film and not the totally rad and brilliant Cronenberg flick).
SO RAD.
Whittling down this list took time, but come with me after the jump: my top five Oscar snubs and robberies.
5. Christian Bale wasn't nominated for Best Actor for American Psycho
Bret Easton Ellis' homicidal love letter to '80s excess was transported brilliantly to the big screen by director Mary Harron, but it was Bale's portrayal of Patrick Bateman, the smooth and hilarious multiple murderer clad immaculately in a Brook Brothers suit, that really made this film stand up and poke you in the eye with its dick. 2001 was a strong year, with Russell Crowe taking home the big one for Galdiator and Geoffrey Rush and Ed Harris in the running, but for Bale to not even get a nomination is friggin' cardinal. What was the Academy thinking? Maybe they were pissed they couldn't get that last table at Dorsia.
The lettering is something called 'Silian Rail'.
4. You'll Be In My Heart beat Blame Canada for Best Song
Best Song at the Oscars is kind of like the 'Miss Personality' of beauty pageants – no one really cares, and everyone's just placing bets on who'll be first to get their bewbs out (hint: it's usually Miss Personality). However, this one deserves some attention: in one corner you have You'll Be In My Heart, the schmaltzy Phil Collins-penned piece of shit from 1999's Tarzan featuring spellbinding lyrics like, 'Stop your crying, it will be all right/Just take my hand, hold it tight.' AH-MAZING!
And in the other corner we have the genius Blame Canada, a biting romp of social commentary written by those South Park lads Matt and Trey, which says Canada isn't a real country, calls Anne Murray a bitch, and contains perhaps the best couplet in lyrical history:
'And my boy Eric, once had my picture on his shelf/But now when I see him he tells me to fuck myseeelf'
You decide.
3. Kramer vs Kramer beat Apocalypse Now for Best Film
OK, the caveat here is that it was the start of the '80s, and dramas sucked in the '80s. (But how much did action movies RULE??)
Everything about this is awesome.
Having some lame-arse divorce/child-custody crapola starring entitled WASPs winning Best Flick in itself is pretty embarrassing. But to have it win in the same year that Apocalypse Now was nominated shoves it up into the realm of The Utterly Ridic. Coppola's flawed masterpiece about the Vietnam War gave its star Martin Sheen a heart attack, gave its director a nervous breakdown, and featured Marlon Brando in the full-out wacko stage of his career. What's not to love? And who can forget the Ride Of The Valkyries or Duvall gettin' philosophical on the beach? Charlie don't surf!
2. Shakespeare In Love beat Saving Private Ryan for Best Film
I have a confession: I quite liked Shakespeare In Love. Yes, despite the farcical storyline, despite the blatant historical inaccuracies, despite the fawning, stilted, simpering acting of PALTROW, I liked it.
But.
There is no way in hell you're telling me that this film deserved to win Best Film over Spielberg's amazing WWII epic Saving Private Ryan. This is a movie that had actual WWII vets breaking down in theatres over how realistically it portrayed the D-Day landings. It is superior to Shakespeare in every way possible: better acting, better directing, better pacing, better cinematography. The Academy obviously just heard the word 'Shakespeare' and thought to themselves 'DURRRR, THIS MOVIE BE GOOD, I VOTE IT YESNGGGGG.' Nice work, guys. Real good.
He totes approves.
1. Julia Roberts (Erin Brokovich) beat Ellen Burstyn (Requiem For A Dream) for Best Actress
Academy, dudes. What the fuck.
There's a theory that, oftentimes at the Oscars, people win just because it was their 'time', and not because they deserve to (people with this theory usually cite Pacino winning for Scent Of A Woman after being nominated like 300 times and never winning, but I saw that movie and I thought he kicked arse in it). Her Massive Mouthedness had been a huge star for ages and had had a couple of noms but was yet to win, so in 2001 there was all this hype flying round that it was 'her' year, and she ended up taking home Oscar.
To do disgusting, disgusting things with him.
Anyone who has seen Requiem For A Dream (and most people have only watched it once due to its harrowing and disturbing nature) is profoundly affected by it. Burstyn's nuanced, layered performance as lonely, ageing housewife Sara Goldfarb living alone is one of the best performances by an actor I have ever seen. Un-fucking-believable. Sure she doesn't have as much screen time as Roberts, but remember that Nicole Kidman won for The Hours despite being in only a third of the movie, and who can forget Anthony 'nice chianti' Hopkins winning Best Actor for only 18 minutes screen time in Silence Of The Lambs.
Burstyn deserves to win for this scene alone:
But of course Burstyn had no chance up against the Roberts Powerhouse, especially when Roberts' role demanded she wear tight skirts and flash her rack everywhere. If you haven't watched Requiem, you should watch it immediately. If you have watched Requiem, I'm sorry for bringing it up and making you think about it again. Go crawl into a ball in the corner and try not to kill yourself. And DON'T think about Jennifer Connelly.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I AM SO SORRY
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