"Headlines don't sell papes, NEWSIES sell papes."
These words bookend one of the most embarrassing movies I have ever seen. The movie is the musical sensation Newsies and it stars a pre-Little Women Christian Bale. Christian Bale in a musical, you say? Surely you jest. No, sucker, I don't jest.
I have wanted to see this movie for a million years. It came out in 1992, so there was no way in Hades I would have gone to see a kid's musical in the theater when I was fifteen. I do remember it coming out, though. Specifically, I remember Rene Rains talking about how there was a hot guy in it named Christian Bale. Rene has always had an eye for talent.
Newsies begins at the newsie orphanage/workhouse. All the boys are sleeping in one room Annie-style. As the camera pans around the room, the scene is being narrated by an unmistakable voice. It's Vinny from Doogie Howser, MD! Vinny from Doogie Howser, MD not only narrates the movie, he is also in it as the child gambling addict Racetrack. Lucky us.
Anyway, all the boys wake up and get ready for work. And they sing a song. Sadly, this is the best song in the movie. I say "sadly" because it is not that good, which is surprising because it is an Alan Menken song. Alan Menken wrote the music to all those awesome Disney musicals of yesteryear, so I really don't get why the music is so shitty.
The boys sing this song for what feels like three months and go to pick up their papes. All the boys wear newsboy caps (duh, stupid) except for Christian Bale, who is bareheaded but has a cowboy hat on a string around his neck along with a red bandanner. His nickname is Cowboy. Because he wants to be a cowboy. I don't know why. Unfortunately he has a solo song later called "Santa Fe" which makes you want to stick needles in your ears.
At the pape picking up place we meet the bad newsies. I don't know what their purpose is, but you can tell they are bad. My friend Bri said "I can tell they are bad by the feathers in their caps!" We also meet Dave and his little brother. Dave is played by the almost Cyclops kid from Big. And not very well. His little brother is played by some cute kid who is annoying.
Cyclops and his brother are new to the newsie game and Christian Bale ends up taking them under his wing. They go to a boxing match to sell papes. Then they have to run off because the juvie warden spots Christian Bale. See, Christian Bale is a juvie fugitive. I know, I don't care either.
When they run off, they go to a theater owned by this slutty lady Christian Bale is friends with. She sings and dances and acts slutty and everybody loves it. They never explain why he is friends with a grown up slut. Then Cyclops takes Christian Bale home for dinner. His dad is out of work because he hurt his arm, so I guess that is why Cyclops is selling papes. Cyclops' dad is played by Dale from the Walking Dead!! Rest in peace Dale! Sorry that zombie ripped open your stomach and Daryl had to shoot you in the head.
Look out hymens, Cyclops has a sister! She is not real cute, but Christian Bale is super into her immediately. I guess that is understandable because she is the only lady in the movie besides the slutty one. God, I sound like Rush Limbaugh. Anyway, Cyclops' family asks Christian Bale to spend the night, but unfortunately for us, he goes home to the orphanage place while singing "Santa Fe."
The next day the guys go to the papes place and the papes cost ten cents more! Christian Bale and Cyclops start a strike. Oh, I guess I should tell you that this movie is loosely based on the newsboy strike of 1899. You know, the one we all learned about in school.
Anyway, the movie takes a sudden turn for the better when Bill Pullman shows up. As Bri said upon his appearance, "Bill Pullman, fuck yeah!" Bill Pullman works for another paper and helps the boys with the strike and spreads around his dreamboatiness.
The boys decide they have to go to all the other boroughs to get all the New York City newsies to strike with them. Cyclops and Christian Bale go to Brooklyn to meet up with Spot. Spot is an adorable tiny badass I had a pedophile crush on until I looked him up and realized he is older than me by a few months.
About this time, I was getting pretty buzzed, so I don't remember much. There was a lot of dancing, Bill Pullman and striking. At one point, Vinny from Doogie Howser, MD said an awesome line. The cops (who were dressed like English bobbies) were looking for Christian Bale and Vinny from Doogie Howser, MD said "He put an egg in his shoe and beat it." So far, I have told that to three people at work.
Finally the strike and the movie ended, but not before Christian Bale made out with Cyclops' sister eating apples style. Then they sang the first song again and I immediately deleted Newsies from my DVR.
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