Like many people over the age of 12, I was skeptical about "John Carter". Sure, it's from Walt Disney Pictures, the studio behind the hugely successful "Pirates of the Caribbean" films. And yes, it's directed by Andrew Stanton, the man behind the Pixar animated films "Finding Nemo" and "WALL-E" (one of my all-time favourite movies, by the way). And I admit that every time I say, think, hear or type the name "John Carter", I can't help but think of the name "John Connor" i.e. the embryo/kid/man/ranting Christian Bale from "The Terminator", "Terminator 2″ (one of my all-time favourite movies, by the way), "Terminator 3″ and "Terminator Salvation" respectively.
But ya see, it's Disney's ANIMATED films that are more popular, both commercially and critically, than their live-action efforts. With the exception of 2010′s "Tron Legacy", 2011′s "The Muppets" (both of which I enjoyed immensely), and this year's box-office smash "The Avengers" (FUN FACT: Marvel was purchased by Mickey Mouse and Friends in 2009 for $4 billion), there haven't been any good live-action films released from Walt Disney Pictures since the first three "Pirates of the Caribbean" films. I won't even delve into "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" since that was a lame-ass attempt to squeeze the last remaining juices from the POTC franchise anyway.
Even when "John Carter" finally hit theaters, I was hesitant in spending my hard-earned money to see it. Reviews were mixed, with more critics and viewers praising the film's visuals than anything else. But what was wrong with it? Was it the lead actor Taylor Kitsch? Was it the lead actress Lynn Collins? Or was it the large amount of computer-generated aliens in the film? Whatever the problems were, "John Carter" became a box office bomb as an end result. In order to recoup their losses, the film was shown in drive-ins, where it was paired with….believe it or not….The Avengers! I'm guessing that "John Carter" was shown last, since audiences can leave the drive-ins after seeing the more superior Avengers film. Perhaps. I'm just speculating here.
But like some people who still enjoy the flashy, special effects-laden, big-budget, box-office blockbuster, I was curious as to what the big fucking deal is with "John Carter" anyway. I mean, there had to be at least one good thing about the film – apart from its visuals, of course. The entire film couldn't be that bad. Or could it? Well…..
PLOT
Based on the novel "A Princess of Mars" written by Edgar Rice Borroughs, "John Carter" begins in 1881 New York with the funeral of…well… John Carter, which is attended by his nephew Edgar Rice Borroughs. Yes, ladies and gents, the writer of "Tarzan" is John Carter's nephew….. in the movie that is. Yeeeeah. Anyways, Edgar is given John's personal journal, which he reads in hopes of figuring out how John actually died.
Cut to 1868 Arizona, and our hero John Carter is arrested by Union Colonel Powell. John recently served in the Confederate Army, and Powell requests his help in fighting the Apache. Instead, our hero escapes from prison, with Powell and his men pursuing him. While fighting off a small band of Apache, John and Powell (FUN FACT: John Powell is actually an Oscar-nominated film composer who composed the music for films like "Face/Off","The Bourne Trilogy" and "How to Train your Dragon") wind up in a cave. Suddenly, John is attacked by a man wielding a blue knife. Apparently, he's extra-terrestrial, and also he never heard the phrase "Never bring a knife to a gunfight". After the man is shot, the knife is transformed into a glow-in-the-dark medallion. When John picks up the medallion, the man utters something in a weird language. Suddenly, our hero ends up in Mars. Due to the low gravity on Mars, John achieves the feat of jumping really high. Yeeeeah.
Anyhoo, he's discovered by a race of aliens called the Tharks. While in their society, he learns their beliefs, their mannerisms and even their language. ("Avatar", anyone?). Also, he learns of a 1,000-year war between the human cities of Helium and Zodanga. This war is currently in a cease-fire due to the marriage between the HOT Princess of Helium, Dejah Thoris, and the COLD Sab Than, king of Zodanga. Clearly, Dejah doesn't want to marry Sab so she runs away. John saves her from being captured by Sab and his army. Together, John and Dejah seek to defeat Sab, and find a way for John to return home. Will they succeed? Or will Dejah marry that douchebag Sab after all? And how exactly did John learn how to speak extra-terrestrial? Plot points, plot twists and plot holes abound in Disney's "John Carter".
CHARACTERS
John Carter – Taylor Kitsch
Dejah Thoris – Lynn Collins
Sola – Samantha Morton
Tars Tarkas – Willem Dafoe
Matai Shang – Mark Strong
Sab Than – Dominic West
Edgar Rice Borroughs – Daryl Sabara
MY THOUGHTS: Unlike the flashy, special effects-laden, big-budget, box-office blockbusters of yesteryear, "John Carter" actually has an interesting story. The problem is that like the flashy, special effects-laden, big-budget, box-office blockbusters of yesteryear, the film focuses more on visuals than on that interesting story. I mean, the world of Mars is visually impressive, and so are the societies of both the aliens and humans. But the story itself borders between pulpy adventure and sci-fi tedium, and I felt that it may have to do with the target audience of the film. Keep in mind, "John Carter" is rated PG-13, and it feels PG-13-ish for the first 20 minutes of the film, and the story itself is quite interesting at this point. But when Taylor Kitsch arrives on Mars, and tries his luck at long-jumping, you can imagine little kids (not adults, mind you) waking up from slumber and laughing their butts off at this scene. By the time he encounters the computer-generated Tharks, with their computer-generated offspring and computer-generated animals, the film feels like a Saturday morning cartoon.
The story then picks back up when the humans confront the Tharks, and I'm guessing that any guy who was sleeping during the "cartoon" section of the film would immediately re-gain their focus after seeing Lynn Collins. Why? 'Cause she can act way better than Taylor Kitsch anyway. And she's better-looking. But more than that, there is a certain depth to her character, though it's not explored any further in the film. I mean, she wants to prevent the destruction of her people, and later on in the film, the destruction of Mars. What does John Carter want, apart from going home? His wife and child are dead (spoiler alert) and there's Apaches and soldiers out to kill him, so what's his motivation for going home? Worse yet, what's the driving force behind John's fight against the villain Sab Than? Unfortunately, it's never shown or explained. As a result, the audience is forced to root for a man who can leap into flying airships in a single bound (whoop-de-fucking-doo!) while at the same time, wondering why we should give a shit.
While I was entertained by the film, I was underwhelmed by its narrative. And it's this emphasis on style over substance that manifests itself through a plot that ranges from exciting and enjoyable to confusing and mindless. Also, the pacing was uneven, with scenes that either run too long or play themselves out too quickly. In the end, "John Carter" is yet another attempt by Walt Disney Pictures to re-create the success of "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" (still the best POTC movie EVER!) but to no avail. Too bad.
SHOULD I SEE THIS FILM? Obviously, it's not the best film you'll see this year… but it's definitely not the worst. So it won't hurt if you actually give "John Carter" a look. However, I'd recommend that you download it. After it collects some virtual dust on your hard drive, say in a day or two, you can gladly delete it. Your computer will be thankful that you did!
MY RATING – 2 1/2 out of 5 stars ("See it if you really have to")
- Matthew
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