Welcome to the final part!
In which I glaze over a really really annoying maze that takes just about as long as the whole rest of the game put together, seriously.
Oh my god, this maze. So, graphical adventure games loved mazes. They loved them so damn much, even though they're really nothing but padding that adds little or nothing to the game experience. Of the games I've screencap-adventured, Princess Tomato, Uninvited, Gadget, and to a lesser extent Drakmyth Castle have all had at least one maze, and if you look at the archives you're bound to find approximately a zillion more. The worst example I've seen is probably Waxworks, which begins as a really promising period piece but degrades into a series of tedious maze crawls that I would say rival Shining in the Darkness, but are probably worse since it isn't intended to be a dungeon crawler.
Anyway there's a certain peculiarity about this maze. If you've played King's Quest 6, you might remember the Catacombs on the Isle of the Sacred Mountain - a fairly simple maze that yields many unwinnable situations but that is surmountable because it is easy to map and plays no tricks on you with its format.
Not so here, however. In this maze, every time you make a turn you have to re-orient the map you try to make (or follow if you're like me and you got the guide book way back when). But it's not like a first-person adventure game, in which that isn't too tall of an order, because this time you've got Graham on the screen, and he doesn't always face the direction the camera is facing! Plus, some screens may have two exits that don't quite line up geometrically with your map based on the their spatial relations in the game.
Konami's NES port throws you a bone by giving you a compass so that you can tell which direction Graham is working.
BUT THEN IT TAKES THAT BONE RIGHT THE HELL AWAY
you'll see what i mean in a second.
Here's the exit! Well that was quick.
Ah curses.
And no inventory item will work. That's right, you have to find something within the maze with which to open the door. So if you find the door really quickly, too bad, that's not the end of the maze!
Here's the maze on the computer version. It isn't too huge, but big enough to be confusing and disorienting. Dink is the creature from whom you get the item you need, and there are four places he'll show up if you go there, depending; roughly the four corners. Note also that every four-sided "room" makes up an entire space on the grid, and that there are no adjacent rooms that can't access another.
And now brace yourselves
THIS EFFING MONSTROSITY is the maze for the NES version.
Oh my god.
OH my god.
I can't begin to explain how frustrating this version of the maze is. Firstly, it's nigh impossible to map because many of those places where there are two turns in the same direction from one screen can be accessed from that same screen or from the next one. Also if you do the natural thing with one of these first-person-style mazes and start mapping it by drawing squares for each "tile," you'll find quickly that your map just looks like a solid mass of blocks, and you have to note which of them connect to adjacent ones and which don't. So your map is likely to look like this:
OOOOOOOO
OODOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOO
OOOOSOOOO
OOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOE
...which is not helpful at all. So if you've played the computer version you have to forget what you do to solve this maze, and if you've never played the game before and don't know what you're looking for, you're probably about 90% likely never to find Dink, because he's tucked into a pocket you can easily miss, and just assume you missed something earlier on.
So you know what, screw it.
Let's just skip to Dink.
Oh sweet jesus what
So yeah Dink is some kind of buck-toothed hippopotamus demon wearing a miniature King Graham cap (which I'm sure was very expensive ha ha the nineties), so he's just fine by me.
Unfortunately you can't get to close.
In this version he just knocks you down and you die, but in the one for more technically capable machines, he gives you a great big hug and apparently squeezes your innards out.
Watch out for those dinks, they've got a lotta disposable income what with the no kids
Well, it's time for some old fashioned trying-everything-on-everything.
wish i could be like you (guitar) eaaasily amused
So yeah Dink loves the tambourine and absconds with it. It had a good run.
And he leaves his miniature Graham hat behind!
Oh man.
The thought of King Graham wearing a tiny King Graham hat on top of his normal one is my new favorite thought.
Allow me to celebrate it for about ten minutes.
Truly my best work.
Aw man a hair pin is way less cool.
Skipping back to the door because pbhthbhtb.
GRAHAM, TAKE THIS HAIRPIN. IT MIGHT COME IN HANDY IF YOU, THE MASTER OF UNLOCKING, TAKE IT WITH YOU.
Oop shelves! Time to grab everything.
i.e. nothing except the bag of peas.
And on to the dirtiest damn kitchen you've ever seen!
I KNOW AN IMPOSING HUNK WHEN I SEE ONE
DEAD EYES
DEAD EYES
guess-the-verb time
take this brotha
may it serve you well
huhuh sequel
Oh it's one of THOSE things
the old glass bottle thing
gotcha
hahaha the face at the top makes me laugh every time.
A little less threatening than the VGA one.
One of the other omitted screens! Or rather, two condensed into one so that both the doors on the left are in the same screen instead of in two. Great for mapping. Also a totally stressful screen when i was little for reasons that will be apparent later.
And in this room Konami screw it.
Oh shoot NO YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GRAB ME ON THE LAST SCREEN NOOO wait i wanted this to happen
The situation has not yet registered in Grahambot's circuits
I didn't get a shot of the crazy hyperspace portal the backwards-kneed triceradragonmonstergoyle throws you through. YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO USE YOUR IMAGINATION
Grahambot systems rebooting
Systems check.
Arm: present
Head: present
Oh by the way, if you didn't notice that mouse hole and click every object on it IN A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME (ten or fifteen seconds) you're boned.
OH WOW THERE ARE LADIES IN THE WALLS
Graham looks so confused here
Sam is Dink's wife. They are both employed. badum-pshh
UP UP AND AWAY
A lot of Graham's non-walking animations in this game make me think of Chazz Busby.
Oh yeah, and now Cassima leads you back through the maze. Cause that's how you normally do it - figure it out for yourself first, then be shown how to do it.
Oh yeah you're not secretly one of Mordack's wizard pals are you cause then I probably shouldn't have gotten you out of jail. My bad.
TIME TO BARREL DOWN SOME HALLWAYS
Oh shit what the hell noooo
I'm pretty sure the dragonceratopsgoyledemon wouldn't appear on this screen on the computer.
Dangiiitt
If it catches you a second time Cassima won't get you out and it's the end.
DOES NOT COMPUTE
(reload)
What dammit Manannan you're not supposed to be here yet either fffffff
Nevermind that your'e a cat, I would like to impress you with my bravery.
If Manannan sees you, by the way, you're toast.
Cause then Captain Purple Haze is on the next screen wherever you go.
KING Graham of Daventry.
What's with that emphasis.
What.
and bacon.
In this version, Mordack is played by Andre 3000.
Anyway, reload. Remember the bag of frozen peas? Toss them under the gargoyleceratopsdemonchicken and it will -
- flip 90° (multiple reloads later because this game was not at all intended for keyboards)
Now moving on, looking for Manannan since the (insert arrangement of "gargoyle" "triceratops" "dragon" "demon" etc. here) is out of the way.
Oop, got the drop on him!
GRAHAM GET YOUR HAMMER
Oh right, dead fish.
Graham never gets to use his hammer :1
Fortunately no highly intelligent man-cat ever questions the sudden appearance of a dead fish.
Add the peabag...
One very confused cat comin' up!
Now you're free to explore a bit more. You can't dawdle though or Mordack will kill you. Yep.
I'll give Konami credit, they really tried with this screen, but once again it becomes obvious how little hope they had of accurately translating the VGA graphics.
Down into the library - something that I'm sure stymied everybody who played this game ever.
OPEN BOOK ON TABLE
GRAHAM SETTLE IN FOR SOME INTENSE READING
Or it could just be four symbols.
Which Grahambot commits instantly into his databanks.
And of which I take the screenshot before the dialogue has finished opening.
Now, do exactly what you shouldn't be doing anywhere else!
Sit and wait.
And Mordack will appear.
And pass out on his bed.
How long you have to wait is completely random.
I had to wait over twenty minutes one time. Oh my god.
You really can't tell in a screen shot but there's a pointy pixel™ beside his bed, on some garbled tiles the night stand.
Yoink.
Ooh, possibly the best pointy pixel yet!
AND NOW ON TO THE TRUE ENDGAME
Mordack's pantry is full of frozen peas, so he has to keep his jars of castles out in his lab.
(hint: take them out)
And upstairs is this infernal contraption uuuugh.
Another instance of click-everything-on-everything, but less sensical than usual.
What you do, is you place Crispin's dead wand that you've had the entire game but never had even the slightest reason to look at on one of the surfaces
...and Mordacks, which you've just stolen, on the other.
But then it doesn't do anything!
What could possibly start a magical magic machine?
The crystal? It's all charged up with dragon-eye-lighting!
Or maybe he gets to break something with his hammer!
Or Madame Mushka's amulet? It's magic!
Nope. Cheese.
I
just won't even
(there's that crack from the roc egg again!)
This process
takes
so
damn
long
God help you if something go wrong and you didn't save right after you do this, or you have to sit through the two-minute animation of some sparks moving around on the sphere and coils. YOU CAN'T SKIP IT
AND IT TAKES SO DAMN LONG
So that's what it does! It's a wand power transfererer.
Well I coulda told you that.
(also make sure to pick the wand back up)
Ha ha! Final confrontation!
Hm, they had it happen up on this platform in this version instead of down in the lab. Seems like it needs more room but...
Wait...
NO
WHAT
NO
Aarggh, so as it happens, you don't have time to look at the bottled castle when you come in here, or Mordack will appear as per his normal time limit. Even though he doesn't have his wand, and his wand is now dead. And I didn't save after the big long animation. Just dandy.
So I did it right this time. LET'S DO THIS THING
Graham does not give one damn.
Oh hey dude I was just messin' with all your stuff I hope that's okay
Mordack calls his wand telekinetimagically down from the machineamabob.
Insert some kind of Andre 3000 reference here cause I got nothin
CEDRIC COME BE USEFUL
woooosh
And Cedric takes the magic missile like a true secret serviceman.
Except apparently he flew in behind Graham
and it went right through Graham's head to hit him.
Yeah okay.
Video games always kill the birds :/
but hahaha Cedric's dead sprite
Apparently nothing, cause you could just instakill Cedric there.
MY HEARTSTRINGS THEY ARE PULLED NOOOO
Graham is not a "little man," by the way. I think he's literally the man Roberta Williams wanted to date.
Mordack turns himself into a weird bat-winged sperm monster.
GRAHAM TAKES IT IN STRIDE
And how better to fight magic than with breakdance fighting magic?
The final puzzle of the game - which spell counters which of Mordack's spells?
You can really just click on 'em all and save and load.
STAGE ONE
WEIRD DRAGON SPERM MONSTER VERSUS TIGER
FIGHT
Man this was so intense when I was little! Even though there are about three animations for either creature and they kinda just spazz around the screen. SO INTENSE
BART
ROUND TWO
FIGHT
haha they just reused the dragon from earlier. But without the Ziggy Stardust facepaint now.
GRAHAM CASTS A SUPER DRAGON MURDER SPELL
he rolls a 2 and turns into a rabbit
But a rabbit that can outrun Mordack's fire breath!
Graham sure has great coordination in each new animal form for having just turned into it.
Mordack just keep the dragon, there's seriously nothing this snake could do that that dragon couldn't. Unless Graham turns into a termite and gets in a crack somewhere but then I don't think you really need to worry about it.
WHICH SPELL
It's really hard to figure out with these graphics, but the top left one is a mongoose.
Ah, flashbacks to watching Riki-Tiki-Tavi as a six year old child. Are totally irrelevant so whatever.
Graham rolls a 2 and turns into a strip of bacon!
Then manages to roll a 30 on a d20 and overpowers Mordack anyway.
Uh oh
SNAKES ON FIRE
GAME OVER MAN GAME OVER
Well only one spell left.
Graham gives up on the whole transforming thing and just steps out of the ring of fire tries some other magic.
My uncle, who played the game when we got it and beat it, had a save file right at this point called "A1." For years I thought there was some kind of mystical significance to that, but really it was just that A was his first initial.
(from now on I'm always going to blame Graham when it rains when I have to drive an hour to school)
WELL IT LOOKS LIKE THAT THREAT WAS...
EXTINGUISHED
And that's it! It's all cut scene from here. Whew.
Graham casts the mongoose spell on his family
He rolls a 4 and accidentally summons ladies instead
With that portrait I can't help but hear Cassima in my head with like a Christian Bale Batman voice.
Crispin!
Thanks for all the nothing you did this whole game, man.
Well, yeah.
We established that what, four fifths of the game ago?
Oh come on. I know it was the 80s but seriously you could come up with an original fake word, for serious.
LEGO ALEXANDER TO THE RESCUE
As expressed by his :I face
Grahambot expresses his joy by standing in front of each of them for a second
loading
loading
Cassima please meet and maybe marry my weedy scrawny son
Oh god that one's even worse
STOP IT CRISPIN
mmmnnnggg why do those "standard" magic words bug me so much arg
Well whadaya know, it turns out "abracadabra" was really the "bring dead owls back to life" spell all along!
Totally taking note of that.
Okay nevermind bye Cedric
.
.
.
And in true King's Quest fashion, the family concludes the game by vacating the premises
Well, okay there's a tiny bit more.
Yes, my skittish crackhead daughter, lets.
(Graham is a little more polite than I am)
Oh you know that's right
And there it is!
King's Quest V is one of my favorite games ever, and I really recommend that you check out the computer version. The NES version is neat, mainly just because it exists and is so faithful despite the limitations of the hardware, but it just can't compare. Also go for the floppy version if you can, the CD "talkie" version sacrifices its dignity in a big, big way.
Well, I hope you all enjoyed it! It's spring time so according to my pattern I'll probably at it again soon...
